I woke up yesterday feeling very depressed. I’m not a depressed type of person, I almost never feel depressed. But I found with dialysis it creeps up on a person. The fact that I didn’t sleep a wink the night before is also a factor. I’m so tired of insomnia, no pun intended. And then later in the day I burst a vein in my already bloodshot left eye. It’s really painful. And to top it all I had the mother of all headaches. It wouldn’t go away no matter how many painkillers I took. I eventually had to go to bed headache and all. It’s still there.
I ended up having a chat to a friend of mine at around midnight. She’s going through a rough time. I was just reminded last night that I’m not alone. It might feel like that sometimes. I’m sure it does for everyone at some point.
And this morning I woke up feeling nauseaus. That’s never good. Maybe a tall glass of Creme Soda will do the trick.
Pete was a bit worried yesterday, he phoned to make sure I was still ok. I just had such a blue day.
I’m so sick of looking at my APD machine, and when the time came to start the whole thing up last night I really didn’t want to dialyse. I just wish I can skip a week of dialysis. It would be so wonderful. To just live. No opening bags and shit, connecting to a machine. So nice. I can’t imagine what that was like. Machineless.
I seriously wanted to just give up yesterday. I have spoken to Pete about giving up before, he does understand and will do what I want but not without a good fight at least. I don’t often have days like yesterday, but they are there. I so want to give up, I really do.
I’m just hanging for October, and will decide what to do after that. But for the time being I will push through and wait. And carry on hoping. Hoping that everything will somehow work out for the good. Hoping that this fight will end somehow.