Last night’s Army Wives brought back a flood of memories to me. Devastation. That’s what I remember. Nobody can prepare you for that. Those words, “You have complete renal failure, sorry.” You have to get your head around that. It didn’t hit me at first. It looked like I really handled. But later, it hits you. Between the eyes. Hard. And there is no cure. No therapy to make it better. When I met with the transplant co-ordinator she told me that a transplant is not a cure for renal failure, it’s just medication. My heart sank.
And then you get sent on your merry way. Your first stop is to have a fistula placed in your arm. And because it takes 6 weeks to “ripen” you need a permcath in your chest, to dialyse immediatly with. Your family raleighs around you their heads spinning. Everyone thinks about being a good match.
I had the same argument with my youngest. He said it’s his choice and when he’s old enough he will give me his kidney. So sweet. And my Sister actually was a good match. But because there is a chance that she might get the same disease she was not a viable match. My Sister didn’t care. She wanted to be consulted on the whole deal, but Drs make the final ruling, no-one gets a say. This could have been my story. I was also told they would put me on the list. And yes it could take years. We cried. What else can you do when hope gets taken away so swiftly?
And Heamo Dialysis is crap. I asked a patient who did both Peritoneal Dialysis and Heamo Dialysis for various reasons, which one she preferred? And she said that both were pretty shit. I must say I don’t agree, I far prefer PD, it’s not as harsh on your body. When I did HD I was a non-functioning person, my hair was falling out, my blood pressure was so low I could hardly walk. I suffered with dizziness and nausea all the time. You feel like crap after your treatment, so ill and weak. You have one day to recover then it all starts again. I hated it.
It was difficult watching Army Wives. I find it hard to re-live that devastation, it’s not how it was meant to be. I do feel guilty for putting my family through all of this. It’s very hard for me, I so want this to be over so that my boys can have normal lives again. And waiting is the hardest part. You hear stories of patients who had live donors and they are all doing so well. And I’m still waiting. That is very hard. But I will wait. There is nothing else I can do.
“Health is like money, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.” ~Josh Billings