Yesterday’s post provoked some controversy. I think in conclusion to this, I need to clarify some things. I have gone through most of the emotions that people go through who struggle with infertility. Yes, it IS hard to understand where I come from. Why does my sister’s infertility hit ME so hard? Afterall, I have two beautiful boys, I didn’t try and fall pregnant with my first, it just happened. I was off the pill for a week and BAM! A pregnancy. With my second, I “tried” for 3 months, I never thought for one second it would not be easy, and it was, very easy.
So why does it affect me in such a bad way? Most of you didn’t grow up the way we did ( my sister and I) we only had each other, we were then and are now, very very close. So when she started her TTC journey, I went right along with it, wholeheartedly. Supporting her through every decision she made. Every month, E.V.E.R.Y. single month for the last almost 7 years, I would hope, pray, wish that she would be pregnant. After every miscarriage I was devestated for my sister and BIL. And I thought some pretty stupid things too, I would goo.gle pregnancy and AF , because most months I would be in denial about that bloody AF (scuse the pun) and see how many women are pregnant even during AF. Obviously it just doesn’t happen. I would look up decidual bleeding, in the hopes that it means pregnancy is very possible. I would lie in bed and calculate ovulation. All the possible fertile times. It just HAD to happen for her.
When her SIL fell pregnant I was insanely jealous, when the other one fell pregnant, same thing. When they fell pregnant with number two respectively, I thought I would explode with rage. I would ask questions and scream at God, why why why! All of which just didn’t help. When random friends got pregnant I was devestated for my sister, it’s hard to watch everyone around you popping out babies when you want YOUR sister to be having a baby.
I don’t always want to sit and listen to how cute this one’s baby is or that one’s baby is, but as a new mom, these fertile girls don’t mean to rub it in your face, they’re proud of their LO, happy, overwhelmed, in need of answers. When those struggling get to have their precious baby, they’re certainly not going to pretend their baby isn’t the brightest, cutest, smiliest, cleverest baby in the world. It all changes for you when you have that LO in your arms. It’s just hard to face when you’re on the other side of that.
So I do understand, more than most of you think. I get it. It’s very bloody difficult standing on the sidelines, powerless to do anything to help, bloody difficult. Many won’t ever understand what that is like. That’s why I get so miffed when a stupid poem like that goes around, not all fertiles are arrogant about their children. I don’t sit in judgement of infertiles, so obviously I take great exception to the fact that some of them judge us as moms. It just isn’t right. As much as they try and justify their feelings, it shouldn’t be so.
If my sister ever becomes a mom, I certainly hope she’ll be a better mom than I am, not because of her struggle, but because of her age. She’ll be older than I was, wiser and way more experienced at life. I also hope she’ll be able to learn from my mistakes. That’s what sisters are there for.
As alot of infertility is not understood by some fertiles, the reverse is also relevant. Fertlity is also not understood by some infertiles. It’s such a pity that it has become an “us against them” scenario, because we could teach one another so much about our respective situations.
Edited to add: It would be nice if there was more understanding from both parties, less offense and judgement etc.but that’s in an ideal world. Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that. Just for the record, I had no intention of causing offence to any party whatsoever, as this is my space I am entitled to voice my opinions, as are you.
“When we understand why and how people and things are what they are, hatred and prejudice can no longer exist.”