When life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say. "You hit like a bitch."

I can’t help but wonder.


There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,  I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I found this excerpt as part of a poem written for infertiles, I didn’t bother with the rest of the poem. Because I found it to be completely offensive. So I can’t help but wonder if the children of a fertile person feels that their mom is not as good as the mom who struggled? Do they sit and pray and wish that their parents struggled JUST so they could have better parents? Just wondering. It always amazes me that some infertiles think they’ll make better parents than us fertiles, JUST BECAUSE THEY STRUGGLED. So us fertiles could never hope to be as good a mom to our children, because we didn’t struggle. Our poor poor children, how terrible they must feel.

As you can see, I’m mildly irritated by this. I do know that not all infertiles think like this, but I can tell you, lots of them do. Which begs another question. What makes a mother? In SOME infertility circles, it’s the STRUGGLE to fall pregnant, and, TA-DA!! You’re a better mother than ANY fertile out there. So that means that these infertiles feel they have not-so-good mothers then. They must then feel that their parents should rather have struggled to have them, because then they would have had better parents. Just wondering about that notion. As that’s EXACTLY what they’re saying.

This is flawed logic, because children come into the world as children, they don’t care how you got them. They are unaware of whether their parents struggled or not. All they want is for you to take care of their needs. In the best possible way. All a parent can do, is their best.

In my world, it’s HOW you raise your children, how much love and respect you show them, how you guide and steer them. Understanding that you DON’T have all the answers, and knowing that the mistakes you made was done out of love for your child. But moving on from the mistake, and learning from the mistake. It’s keeping the lines of communication open, and when something happens, not to follow your first instinct to freak out, but to calmly listen and talk it through. To know that your heart will break for your children, but they will always give you immesurable joy. Understand that children WILL dissapoint you, but they will ALSO try and make up for it. It means to always re-asses how and what you are doing, the same formula doesn’t last forever, as children move through phases, so you’ll have to change how you guide and steer them through life.

The list goes on. In my opinion, it’s not the struggle you have or lack of a struggle that makes you a better mom. It’s what you do AFTER you’ve struggled, or didn’t struggle that makes you a good parent.

“There are two things over which you have complete dominion-authority and the control of your mind and mouth.”


6 thoughts on “I can’t help but wonder.

  1. Hey Mands
    I agree, its an offensive notion, but I think I understand (not agree, but understand) where it comes from. Because as an infertile I can honestly say that one of the things I’ve struggled with is feeling like I don’t measure up or I’m not good enough, infertility really plays on ones feelings of inadequacy can do a lot of damage to ones self esteem and I guess the person or persons that have the notion that they will be better mothers because of their struggles are simply doing that as a way to play up against the feelings of not measuring up or of inadequacy.
    You should try not to let it upset you and see it for what it really is, a sad person with self esteem issues trying to make themselves feel better by trying to drag others down to their level.

  2. Hey Sharon, I’m not upset, just mildly irritated. I can understand those feelings. Being the sister of someone who has struggled, I see what infertility does to a person. My post is merely an opinion on notions like that, negating the good parenting of one who hasn’t struggled. Thank you for your comment, it’s always good to have another point of view.

  3. I really and whole heartedly agree with you! Every relationship is a journey – not just parenting. Parenting is a calling in your heart – about how to raise a child. If I couldnt have children and adopted, i would raise that child the same way as i did mine. Parenting in my opinion is the need to pass on a heritage,and that heritage doesnt get bigger or smaller depending on how hard it was to get it…I believe we go through trials in life to help and encourage others. YES you might be grateful to eventually have a child, but your parenting style and calling is not related to how hard you suffered. Your parenting style is part of your SOUL that you pass onto others. Otherwise there would only be a handful of good parents – and some of them might not even be parents – i think that logic is people trying to make themselves feel better (no offense to affected people – if the shoe fits..). According to that logic – did I make a really good Daughter-in-law ’cause B was going to be murdered? No , infact our relationship was hard…THINGS happen to people! Good and Bad…Ive learnt not to try to Justify things that happen…Ive learnt to just WALK on the road and things become clear later…. so inshort (long) i FULLY FULLY agree with you and identify why you could be irritated. Are people then saying that because people are infertile that they will be bad parents and only once you’ve passed the initition of suffering then you qualify?….nee man, nou raak ek sommer vies….

  4. Hi Amanda!Hmmm – statements like that hit a nerve with me too. But I think I understand where they come from. I (as you know) am not an infertile, but have walked the path with people close to me (like you have).
    And along this path, i have been utterly shocked and ashamed at fellow fertile myrtles with their thoughtless words and comments… and its because of these fertile myrtles that we are all put in a box of not being good enough.
    It annoys me IMMENSELY – because I try my hardest to understand. In fact, I think I do understand – BECAUSE I have children. And BECAUSE I have always wanted children. And BECAUSE I am thankful every day for my gorgeous children. I could not imagine my life without my precious children. It makes me cry just to think about it, and so I cry along with all my infertile friends at their struggle to reach the ultimate goal – to be a Mother.
    And because of other mothers who don’t get “it” – the infertile who wrote this poem is adamant that she will be a better mother.
    It’s not true – we know that, but it makes her feel better.
    Does this make any sense??? I’ll stop now, ‘cos I’m rambling! x

  5. Hey Kirsty, absolutely do I get it. I know that some fertiles can spew forth alot of arrogant crap. But in the same vein so can those struggling with infertility. What really annoys me, is that some of us (fertiles) really do try and understand, we count our words, we support those around us. Yet it stings to think that some of them don’t see us as good enough moms coz we didn’t struggle. And my whole question was, “What about their own moms?” With a statement like that, don’t they call their own moms, most of who DIDN’T struggle, bad moms?

  6. Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.

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