I took a bit of a break from blogland, I just needed to get my headspace sorted. I considered keeping my old blog, but upon further reflection I realised that it was frought with pain and heartache, and I just needed to start afresh. The only thing I kept from my other blog is the quotes, I love my quotes. I decided to delete my old blog for various reasons. For one, I didn’t want to focus on infertility anymore, this blog is going to be more about my favourite subject. Me.
I also found that there were some really bad elements in the infertility community. There was a lot of infighting, backbiting and just plain uglyness towards one another. There are some real bad elements out there, left a bad taste in my mouth. I found and read blogs who then started attacking people, and then obviously I didn’t want to read that particular blog anymore. Too much of the pain olympics going on. Everyone has their own cross to bear, it really doesn’t matter what it is. We are all just people trying to get on with life. And with all the stop- start internet over the past 2 months that I was experiencing, I stopped reading altogether. My internet is now fixed, woopwoop!
I feel a bit like a phoenix rising from the ashes. In our haze of heartbreak and despair, it felt like I was in a deep fog. It felt like I was going to die from a broken heart. When you want something so much and it gets snatched away, it literally feels like your world comes to an end. I couldn’t bear seeing my sister in so much pain again.
My husband and friends pulled me out of the darkest times in my life. P let me do what I needed to do to feel better, he never preached to me or judged or critisised me, he just sat with me while I cried.
My awesome friend T was there by my side, even though I didn’t want to see anyone, she relentlessy sent me sms’es. I always knew she was never far away. Sometimes you just want someone to come and sit with you, you don’t want to be preached at, you just need someone to understand. I really didn’t want any scripture shoved in my face, and T recognised that, she just loved me and prayed like mad, she was so worried that I would turn my back on God. I love you T!
Alot has changed in the last 4 months, some good, some not so good, and then there is the downright nasty, but my sister and I are a strong team, obviously aided by our awesome husbands, we have picked ourselves up from the dust and are moving on quite nicely. It’s still a work in progress, but we are both going forward now, albeit slowly. I’m very very proud of my sister, she’s incredibly strong, P and I admire her strength and tenacity. He ALWAYS remarks on how strong my sister is. She was the one that would say to me “It will get better sis” and I just couldn’t see it. But my sister was right! It did get better, and has made us stronger.
This blog is not going to become a place where I will always express my pain. I feel I have healed sufficiently to move on. I will however always remember my niece, she was here for a short time and we never got to meet her but she will be loved for a lifetime.
“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and couragiously. This is how character is built.”